Nights such as this.

You know you’re in for a good weekend when it begins on Friday. Given the hours I work, that’s a rarity. It started with a haircut that not many seem to notice, yet, makes my hair look nicer. I know and that counts. :)

My roommate and I ended the ‘girls’ night out by watching Casino Royale which fits perfectly into a newly created genre- English Masala.

Saturday was spent lazing around with the better part spent amidst company that holds an atrocious success rate of making me walk! A feat each of them can be proud of. Bah!

There were better things to come on Sunday, I was told. After all, we were letting ourselves get drawn into spools of purple magic. Deep Purple at the Cathedral High School, 17th of December, I was with friends I’ve known for a lifetime and less than a day. The music was great with the band performing many of their well-known hits. There was a lot of Christmas spirit doing the rounds with the wedding march and silent night thrown in for good measure. I was enthralled by Steve Morse’s solo act and Ian Gillian’s happiness was infectious. I won’t profess to be their hugest fan as I only know of their “popular” numbers, but this is one of those nights my grandchildren will hear of.

The best was yet to come.

“Nothing could stop India for the last four days, not even history.”

I’m not going to bother with details of the scorecard but this is for every other Indian cricket fan out there, savouring the moment.

Take a chance on me.

The last few months have revealed a side of me that I’d rather not have seen.

For most parts, the people who know me have envied my level of confidence. But, like all things that are up that must come down at times, this has too. The reasons are unfortunately, aplenty.

It’s not a secret that what I’m doing now is perhaps not best suited for me. I miss too much for me to be happy. I miss the people. I miss ‘not’ having to stare at something till a something drops onto my window, from three thousand and more miles away. I miss being social, I have become such a whine pot. It’s anything but nice to know me now, really. To those who do know me and who have desperately made an effort to bring the old Divya back, thank you. You know who you are. :)

Something else that’s perhaps less known is how I’m unsure that I’ll ever find someone to love me for the person I am. The person I have become. I don’t believe you wake up and decide to shop for a boyfriend / partner / spouse, whichever applies. What I am amazed about is the timing of it all. Even if I do meet someone who I think is ideal, it seems to me that the gods work overtime to ensure that the timing is not close to heavenly. I’m only human, I have liked people in the last two years but for some reason I’ve not been able to take the chance on myself. I wonder aloud if there’s someone out there to change that?

6:20

I haven't looked forward to going home with such eager anticipation in quite a while. Friendly faces, reassuring conversations, slobbery welcomes, sleeping in my own bed and even getting yelled at for not knowing how to wear a saree... Seems like a fun proposition. :)

Need this time off to deliberate. To think things over. I hope the return brings with it the clarity I seek desperately.

Inner Silence.

When I wake up, each day, and a doubt or two crosses my mind, something’s amiss. It doesn’t take long to figure that this calls for me to wear my ‘grown up’ hat.

How much longer? Is it wrong to be worn down by it all? One day after another. Is it wrong to expect things to be any different?

Am I a quitter? Will my confidence stick when the going’s tough? Am I brave enough to do swim against the tide?

Why can’t I hear my own voice? Amidst the yelling and screaming (quite literally) why is the inner silence gnawing? And if it does speak, am I capable of listening?

Tomorrow might just be better. Or it might just take six months.

Faith. Belief. And all of it.

Just a song I heard this evening on the radio and it struck a chord.

Hands by Jewel

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear

My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken

Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after
We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing

My hands are small I know...

In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray

My hands...

We are never broken
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's mind
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's heart...

...

Just a random list of things I hate / loathe / abhor right now.

1. Duckworth & Lewis

2. Flooded inboxes where new messages don't open fast

3. Prejudices of ALL kinds

4. Whirlpool lady hosting a cricket show. &*$#!!!!!!!

5. Hips don't lie especially when they measure an atrocious 44"

6. People who don't get subtlety

7. Whining *Or how I have become exceedingly good at it, these days*

8. BO *should have been way up there*

9. Friends being far, far away *weeep*

10. That Saturday is STILL a day away...

To be 22.

When you're surrounded by a whole bunch of friends, some old and a lot more who are sparkly new, when your face is smashed into yummy chocolate mousse cake, when you're overwhelmed by the number of people who remember, when you feel the tingling of a new beginning, when you bust your back cleaning the next day with a smile on your face, when you open out your gifts and figure you would have bought them yourself, when you get to work sleep deprived, dreaming of the bed you left behind at home... 22 seems like it can't get better. :)

Thanks everyone, for the wishes, and for just being there.

Fudgilicious!

I'm happy as ever even though my nose is at its runny worst. Fudge, for the uninformed-my dog, is back in action!

The last time I went home it was heartbreaking to learn that Fudge was diagnosed with preliminary arthritis and he also had an enlarged heart. We switched him onto a prescribed diet and he's doing SO much better. :) He's been his usual, frisky self. *touchwood*

A homecoming that was perfect. Sloppy, slobbery perfect.

Happy Birthday to Me?

I love birthdays. I do.

It's that one special day where the world cuts you some slack and lets you celebrate everything that you are. Everything you have become. Everything that you stand for. Everything you truly believe in.

So... what's different this year?

Not very much. I'm still counting the days to the 23rd of July. *Post me something nice people, and by post I mean courier... I want your love to be tangible! :)*

Yet, the times are different. The pressures are something I've not quite faced.

Marriage. I recollect my mother vaguely suggesting the noose would hang post 22.

This is quite a classic 'angel vs devil' storm brewing up inside.

Imagine a flaming red-haired Divya, radar in place, with a fork in her hand, screaming : "Freedom. Gone. Space. Don't think about it. Compatibility. If it don't happen, this is history sister..."

Imagine a peaceful *this WILL take some imagination* Divya, clad in pristine white saying : "Belonging. To wake up each morning and know someone's there. Sharing. Where someone else's joys become your own. And... someone will pay the bills and do the taxes. *I'm all for equal financial footing in the house, just that I can't stand the process.* :)"

Aah... to be four again, and just worry about the colour of your pretty dress and those blue balloons floating, close to the ceiling, just not touching it.

Italia. Woohoo.

For someone who isn't a football fanatic, the FIFA World Cup Final swept me off my feet. I learnt from my 'learned' football friends that this was one of the better finals ever played. All credit to Italy for having brought renewed interest to the games they played, especially post the quarters. France did extremely well too... I must say I felt terrible about Zidane's exit. No player deserves to be shown the door in his last game. 'Dirty Terrorist' or not. For a player of his calibre, you expect him to not give a shit and show who is boss. He might just be remembered as the guy who "butted" his way out of a WC Final and that's not what the script should read. Not now. Not ever. But, life does go on... and Kudos to Italy!

P.S.: God, if you can hear me, please send Toni and Totti home.

Choices.

Heaven on earth is a choice you must make, not a place we must find.

That wise person was right. And how.

I'm driven by instinct. I hardly labour over choices because I often end up choosing the option that satisfies me, first up. The rest remain maybes. As I sit at my desk, to observe and ponder, I wonder why I can't seem to choose happiness.

I wonder why the latest choices I have made (apart from choosing where to work, that's going alright so far...) don't bring a smile to my face. Right now, I think heaven is missing from my options list...

Goal(ie) Fever!

For a loud, obnoxious, cricket talking woman... this World Cup has led to initiation into football mania! I won't pretend that I know the finer details, or names or even hairstyles for that matter,but, the T.V. screens at work seem to have me smitten!

Here's to many more such days of football in all its splendour!

P.S.: Does anybody else have a massive crush on Ecuador's goalie-Mora? *He's A-dorable*

B'lore Chronicles.

This has been long overdue.

I must say I enjoy life in Bangalore.

The ‘newness’ has brought many challenges, some that seem invigorating like paying attention to the finer details at work, some that seem petty like fighting with your roomie over décor colours (half an hour later you feel like a big slob who temporarily lost her composure).

B’lore is a lot more like home, only with far better weather. The music is much improved and thank goodness for that. There are the odd days when the residual effect of Himesh Reshamiya overdoses still linger but it won’t be long before he’s history. In my head atleast.

The attitude of most B’loreans is something I can identify with. They aren’t quite the go-getters that Mumbaikars are, they like to live life in their own cocoon, at their own pace. Some might loathe it, but I quite like it. I wish you didn’t have to battle bad roads and incorrigible drivers to go out with friends… worse still, you have to be seated by 7 or the pleasure of trying to catch a glimpse of your friends’ heads over some overgrown monkey is all yours!

I know this post has very little structure.. it’s like my fingers are stuck to the keyboard and they are choosing to go to whichever letters they deem fit… So, go ahead, make what you want of it. When I’m a little less numb from looking at numbers, the posts might get better. I’m not promising. :)

Another chapter.

Life's been crazy over the last few days. Although I absolutely love being at home, it feels strange. There are empty spaces which are no longer filled with crazy people and crazier conversations, all of which I took for granted. My friends have flown the nest and I will too. All of us create new chapters in our lives and I'm at the brink of yet another - Bangalore. In a funny sort of way, Bangalore has been my second home. I have spent many a summer there enjoying the company of family and friends. This time around, Bangalore will be different. It will be the city of malls that have mushroomed out of nowhere, it will be city of cultural chaos, it will be the city of traffic mayhem, it will be the city which holds the newest buzz, it will be the city where I get to go to office a few roads away from Rahul Dravid's house (very lame, I admit, but I'm silly like that :). Yes... I'm just a few days away from it all.

Just as charged as I am about moving to Bangalore, I want to bid adieu to Mumbai, in my own way. I have often said that given a choice, I would never live in Mumbai... people have often found my statements about the city quite scathing. Today, I would like to say that for all its flaws, Mumbai will hold a very special place in my heart. Here's just a few things that I will miss dearly:

1. O 558. The women - Booze, Meghu and Rain. I would do it all over again. Maybe sometime else, in another place. :)

2. ADMA - XIC. Everything from the classroom activities to making some wonderful friends to winning at Malhar and producing some kick ass advertisements... the stuff student life is supposed to be made of.

3. Shammy. The mom for whom we will never get past Class 2.

4. The boys... Lio, Clay, Viraj, Carlos, Mohit, Austin, Saket, Rakshit and so many others I'm sure I'm missing out on...

5. Mocha, Seven, even the imbeciles at Reliance Web World. :P

6. The train rides. Say no more.

My mind is a caught up in a swish of thoughts, but, this is what gushed out instantly...

Mumbai might never be home but it will be the city that changed me each day. All for the better.

For those who keep a tab...

Disclaimer: This is not an interesting post. It is merely factual and facts about my life might not interest very many people. :)

Let me start by saying this last month has been a whirlwind of thoughts, actions and events.

My group and I had to shoot for a mock advertising campaign on Saturday, 18th of March. The choosing of product or service began as a brand extension exercise - after much deliberation we were happy with going the Cadburys route. Only this time Cadburys would be selling greeting cards. :) We debated. We changed scripts over and over. We fought, but when the moment had passed, so did the bitterness. To use a cliche, at the END of the day we had a script that could hold an audience. Gone half the distance, the other lap seemed just as daunting!

Come saturday, I was a bundle of nerves as we were given strict instructions that only the DIRECTOR got to interact with the camera person and technicians of our shoot. The onus fell on Yours Truly. :D The shoot was challenging but it turned out fabulously. Despite having a couple of actors with very little professional experience, we managed to pull off a great job. Kudos to my team for having handled the task at hand wonderfully. None of us would have been able to perform our roles had it not been for the effort the others had put in. :)

Phew... there's more. I have landed a job with Reuters to work as a correspondent at their Bangalore office. I like the sound of the work I'd have to do as it seems like a great learning experience. The package is good for a start in media and that makes me tres happy. :)

I warned you... there's better stuff out there to read, but this post was for the ones who were cribbing about my hiatus from 'stuck in my head'. Later. :D

Movies. Magic.

Last night, I got to spend some quality time with the 'girls'. Booze, Kiran and I saw the highly acclaimed movie, Crash which has won itself a string of Oscar nominations. When a movie is spoken about to a great extent, your expectations mar the experience of enjoying the movie for all that it is. Once again, Crash proved that audiences are a tad bit more intelligent that producers and marketers are willing to give them credit for. True, the screen hall was more empty than full, but the few people who did show up were transported to an alternate world - a world that was more real than reel. With an underlying theme like racism, I was skeptical as to how the film makers would have approached the script any differently from what we've seen before. I must admit, I love it when I'm pleasantly surprised. Power packed performances that laid to rest my theory of expectations. Slick editing that lent the film a beautiful, seemless flow. Pay offs that were placed with great meaning and most importantly, a script that stayed true. I must also make a mention of the presentation of credits which was superb! I could go on about everything that one must watch Crash for, but I'll stop here and urge anyone reading this to simply go and watch it.

P.S.: While the movie was all about America, the girls and I discussed how racism is more than prevalent in India. Something for all of us to chew on, to digest the prejudices and spit out the fanaticism.

The Final Term.

There's nothing worse than having a lousy day(of late, it's become a pattern), only to come home to an empty house. The empty spaces leave you hunting desperately, for something, ANYthing, that will fill the void. Shedding tears are a temporary solution for when the smile returns, so do the questions. This was supposed to be exciting, challenging, something I would look forward to doing every damn day of my life. What in the world has gone wrong?

I shall be brave and blame it all on the weatherman!

Keep Your Eyes and Ears Open.

"Sometimes the only thing we've got are words. Old words, which we put together in a hope that they will mean something new."

it's strange how watching a sitcom for half hour can leave such an indelible impact.

all hail scrubs, that 70's show, f.r.i.e.n.d.s, less than perfect and the other coaches of the bandwagon that have made our days go for zilch to super duper!

Soul Cola

Saturday evening. Class yet again. Groan! This was a pattern that had developed over the last couple of weeks. So, we all went through the routine, battle crowds in trains, atrocious traffic and get to class a few "pardonable" minutes late.

Inspite of all the above mentioned, I was quite looking forward to this class as it was on something that is an integral part of my life. Music. From rasas to raags, the first half of the session was informative. It showed us the evolution of world music with a specific reference to India. Mood maps were understood and applied, with a few of us being nominated as RJ's for certain hours. Apparently, I can lift up spirits with my voice for I found myself on the morning or evening slot on most people's lists. Thanks everyone, it's something else to know that you would let me make your day. :) More masti. More chaos. Well deserved break.

The post break session entailed a surprise. Just for me. As usual, my enthusiasm got the better of me and I volunteered to be one of the guniea pigs for an exercise. Three of us were picked and asked to speak under the influence of one music track. With Floyd playing as a background score, I let my mind travel to places that seem familiar now. It's rare that I let my emotions surface, it's rarer still that I choose to express them in words. Caught in a moment. A lot left to say. Family. Friends. Dog. Home. Loneliness. Cricket. Score Updates. A mish mash that made little sense to me but it seemed to connect with my audience. After all, I was speaking from the heart. :)

The four hour session ended with the class listening to a few music pieces that have left an indelible mark on human kind, irrespective of race, gender, creed or age. I would like to end with a special mention on our teacher, Utkarsh. Though i address him as "Sir" in class, it seems phony to attach a Mr. and a surname, just now. I have few role models, but with his passion, knowledge and keenness to impart all that he has experienced, he has won himself a fan for life. I think God makes fewer men like him because he thinks his efforts go unnoticed. We're listening. We're watching. We're absorbing. We're applauding. Don't ever stop, India needs many more.